This post has been sitting in the depths of my mind for months at this point. Pregnancy is a time for joy and excitement with the expectations of meeting your baby; but after losing a baby the beauty of pregnancy is easily overshadowed with fear, anxiety and stress. In today’s time we share every detail of our lives and are the most vulnerable to people via social media. As a blogger I really struggle with this. As a blogger I love to share experiences and I answer many e-mail and direct messages personally to share my journey but I do not share my personal journey as openly but today I will share my story… fear, anxiety and all.
Vulnerability is a part of my journey.
This is a story of love, healing and triumph.
In October of 2015 I was a newlywed, having married just earlier that summer and almost 5 months pregnant. It was a quick start to beginning our family but we were starting to get excited, that 5 month time when everything starts to feel a bit more real.
We had not announced the pregnancy to anyone yet. Living in a new country and making all of the adjustments of finding work, an apartment, getting married; the last thing I wanted was unwarranted parenting/ pregnancy advice.
We decided to announce in December.
I woke up one October morning and I needed to pee so badly.
All of a sudden, I was soaked. I jumped up from the bed in disbelief that I had peed myself. We all have read about this in those pregnancy books or stories but I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I remember thinking ” Did I really just pee myself?”
Something was different though, this didn’t seem like I peed myself. It did not smell much like pee, straight to Dr. Google and I read it could have been my water breaking.
I didn’t think too much about it.
I went to breakfast and felt another gush. I then told my husband what happened and he immediately said we must call the doctor. We speak with her and she is how I imagine doctors tend to be with many patients, completely dismissive.
She informed us that it wasn’t the water breaking and that is highly unlikely and I would know for sure if it was my water breaking.
We waited another 5 hours but this instinct that things were not right persisted.
My husband decided he should take me to the hospital.
The doctors at the hospital had the same attitude, that is highly unlikely that my water would break at this time. They tested me and it came back negative. We started to feel a bit of relief at this point.
They decided to go ahead and do an ultrasound.
The doctor began to speak to us calmly and simply asked that we give her a call in the morning when the specialist is at the hospital.
The next morning we call the hospital and they tell us to come in immediately.
We head to the hospital and there are 2-3 doctors coming in to the room to perform ultrasounds and they tell us there is no amniotic fluid around the baby.
Without amniotic fluid the baby’s lungs will not develop and the prognosis is terminal. I was admitted to the hospital that day for complete bedrest and to wait one week for evaluation if by a miracle the amniotic fluid would return.
This was not only the most testing time of my life but devastating to the newness of our marriage. In this week my faith in God and strength of my husband was stronger than ever, that is the only way I survived these moments.
We began to call our family… remember they don’t even know we are expecting a baby.
“Hi mom, I am about 5 months pregnant … and I am in the hospital because they don’t know if the baby will make it.”
I heard the excitement and devestation in the voices of each call. I am over 3,000 miles away from my family so no one can just come by the hospital so it’s just us two alone.
The next week was full of hope and “sad eyes”. We had the hope of a child but the nurses and doctors who were very sweet just gave us these looks we called “sad eyes” they knew what we refused to believe, this was not going to have a good outcome.
The week past and the day for the ultrasound came. The whole week we had been having daily heart rate checks and could hear our sweet baby’s heartbeat everyday.
The ultrasound goes up and it only took moments for the doctors to tell us that there was still no amniotic fluid. There was no amount to measure.
All I could imagine was our baby suffering in a dry womb unable to move or develop.
The doctors begin to go over the options again.
I must take a pill now and a pill in the morning.
Then labor would begin.
I went into labor around 9AM. I didn’t expect the pain and I didn’t want an epidural, I began to throw up and spoke with the midwife, doctors and spiritual advisor.
They convinced us to name our baby and told us we could have a baptism.
At 12:30 October 22, 2015 I had a baby girl. We named her Philomena, the saint of children.
I was then pushed into the OR for surgery.
Later that afternoon we had a baptism and our daughter was cremated.
After an autopsy there was never a reason or infection as to why this happened to our daughter. Infection was imminent and had we decided to wait there was an infection setting in due to the water breaking/ rupture of the membrance.
The official diagnosis was (Spontaneous) Preterm Premature Rupture of the Membrane (PPROM). For more information on PPROM please visit What to Expect.
I write this at 9 months pregnant with my son kicking me in every direction. With every kick and ultrasound I breathe a sigh of relief. This pregnancy I was high risk and had to take extra precautions but now at 37 weeks I am getting ready to meet my Rainbow Baby any day. Follow the end of our journey in these next post over the next 4 weeks!
Today marks 1 day before Philomena’s first birthday if she was born on her due date.